The most astounding discovery I made this week did not come from Wikileaks.
Once I got over the novelty of the classified blatherings of diplomats, I realised there was nothing that I didn’t already know, or at least suspect, in the 250 000 US State Department cables.
I mean, who didn’t know that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was a pants man? Or that Vladimir Putin was the head of a mafia state? Or that Australian officials were less than sanguine about the chances of success in Afghanistan? Isn’t the fact that this is already our longest ever overseas military engagement a juicy hint? Even the fact that Senator Mark Arbib is actually a CONTROL agent has failed to rock me. Since when have members of the NSW Labor Right been motivated by anything else other than self-interest?
No, the Leak of the Week is that Kevin Rudd believes he will be the Prime Minister of Australia again in 2011. There, I have said it. It’s off my chest. I await the details of my past sexual conquests to be raised against me. I fully expect a massive cyber attack on this website tonight. Hits will jump to double figures crashing the site.
This is the kind of secret that should be classified because if it were known poor old Kevin would be certified barking mad. Everyone would realise that we have a nutter running around the globe posing as our Foreign Minister.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I am assured that this is what Kevin actually believes. Sources close to the Labor Party tell me that Rudd is enjoying the travails of his successor Julia Gillard and waiting for his chance. He is working night and day to destabilise her leadership, to white ant the red head. He believes his evil secret plan is working. No-one has noticed a thing.
I rather suspect Nine Network political commentator Laurie Oakes may be encouraging this delusion expecting more leaks from inside the government. Or that wife Therese Rein would like Kevin to spend more time away from home again.
Rudd apparently believes that when Gillard falls, the Labor Party will have no alternative but to turn back to him. The Great Wrong will be righted. The Labor Caucus will issue an official apology. It’s rather like Kim Hughes expecting Ricky Ponting to hand back the captaincy of the Australian cricket team.
I’m not sure whether the t-shirts have been made up yet but you would have to agree that “KEVIN11” scans even better than KEVIN07. It’s truly scary what can be achieved when self-delusion takes over.
It shouldn’t really surprise that KEVIN11 believes this. He was also convinced he would win a leadership ballot against Julia Gillard in June this year. He seemed ignorant, or uncaring, of the fact that he had just 8 votes going into the party room. He believed he was still the most popular man in Australia, his only issue being that he had “lost the support of certain factional leaders.”
I think Adolf Hitler in the dying days of the Third Reich had a tighter grip on reality than KEVIN11. And even in the Berlin bunker, Adolf could have mustered more than 8 votes to continue his glorious leadership of the Nazi Party.
Of course, only seven of Rudd’s then supporters are still in the parliament after voters gave Maxine McKew the chop from Bennelong in the August Federal election. Either someone’s lying to KEVIN11 or he has a large group of special invisible friends.
Anyway, KEVIN11 believes that a line-up of contenders will magically step aside for him when he makes his big run. For instance, he must believe that Assistant Treasurer Bill Shorten will gladly serve under him again. Shorten will forget that KEVIN07 decreed that he would never make Cabinet after leaving his wife for the daughter of Governor-General Quentin Bryce.
I can confidently predict that KEVIN11 would not receive a single vote in a leadership ballot unless his chief of staff was Harry Potter.
Yet, I sincerely hope that no-one discourages KEVIN11 from his magnificent delusion. It will give Mark Latham new hope that he is perfectly sane.